Traditional zen buddhist meditation has been a struggle for me, but that’s a whole other post I need to write. First I want to talk about what my dream “meditation” center would look like if it were designed for this neurodivergent brainbody and this hypermobile EDS body.

In a nutshell, in order to avoid physical injury and/or nervous system dysregulation (I tend to go into freeze states or rage states) I need:

• freedom to move or have sensory input to keep me in a window of tolerance
• furniture that enables non-injuring postures
• access to attend to bodily needs (food, drink, toilet, etc)
• autonomy to respond to my bodymind’s radical consent cues

Autistic and ADHDer folks need to stim at much higher rates than neurotypical folk. It’s simply how our nervous system works. We can be sensory seeking or sensory avoidant, but we need to be able to address our sensory input needs to keep our “system” functioning well. Many of us find moving meditation much more accessible than traditional sitting meditation which, in many traditions, expects practitioners to hold completely still for the 20-60 min sitting period.

Us hypermobile EDS/HSD folks, on the other hand, do not have enough “up” to hold our unsupported bodies upright. Many of our bodies literally do not have a “neutral, relaxed, upright posture” on a meditation cushion or even a bench or chair. And many of us have dysautonomia which impacts our ability to function upright (literally not enough blood in the head) and impacts our electrolyte regulation and digestion, so salt, water, and bathrooms are critical access needs for us. The entire autonomic system can be affected.

Pretending to be normal

–said by all masked Autistics, everywhere

Both of these combined means my body holds a ton of trauma around autonomy. I have 5 decades of past experience of forcing my body to do things it was not consenting to: holding still when I needed to move, moving when I needed to rest, holding my pee because I go to the bathroom “too often”, trying to carry on like normal while having whole-body sweats and poop cramps, pretzeling up in uncomfortable furniture and being injured for weeks afterward … just an AuADHDer pretending to be normal. I will never forget the Somatic Experiencing session where I had proclaimed that I had a really hard time knowing what I felt … and then later in that session I was describing my experience of sitting meditation, holding perfectly still despite being in very intense pain, and all the while there was a voice inside of me screaming “NO!!!” at the top of its lungs. My therapist just looked at me, and I said, “Oh, you mean that’s the voice I’m supposed to be listening to? Yeah, that one’s there all the time.” And that was when I conceived of the idea of radical consent applying to everything, not just sex. Did I consent to this activity? Did I consent to sharing an inner or emotional experience with someone, especially someone I don’t trust?

My dream

My dream “meditation” center, first of all, would not be called a meditation center. I think it would instead be a place to cultivate embodied awareness of the present moment, a place to cultivate boundless friendliness with one’s body/mind.

It would be an accessible building with numerous rooms in it. Each room would offer a different practice “gate” for cultivating embodied awareness; there would a bunch of different rooms that might look like:

• a room filled with traditional meditation cushions, benches, chairs, and things like recliners and whole-body beanbags and other pressure-point-free support furniture. This room might have a traditional buddhist altar and look the most like an American zen buddhist temple. There might be a few of these with different kinds of lighting in each (candles, regular-but-not-horrible lighting, etc)
• one with very low lighting and a variety of comfortable seating/reclining options, but also filled with plants and water features and other things to bring a sense of nature indoors. There might be a few of these–one more pine/tree focused, one more floral, etc
• a large empty room with a bunch of super comfortable noise cancelling headphones; each person could choose their own music and dance in whatever way moves them
• a room for coordinated movement–this could be some good dance beats, tai chi, yoga, etc
• a room with exercise balls and other kinds of “fidget sitting” furniture, meant for traditional sitting meditation but with more localized, smaller, or slower movements encouraged and welcomed
• a room for large muscle engagement, with mini trampolines, gymnastic pads on the floor, etc
• a place set up for “slow crafting” (small muscle engagement!), with supplies for spinning yarn, knitting, crochet, stitching/embroidery and other needlework, intuitive painting, clay, brush painting/calligraphy, etc
• a mindful kitchen, with a practice opportunity of slow mindful food preparation under the guidance of the head cook: washing rice, chopping vegetables, etc
• A room with mats and pillows and blankets, where guided meditation is offered, or soft lullabies for complete rest
• outdoor practice spaces: walking paths, gazebo, plants to enjoy, gardening space to work in, hammocks for watching clouds, etc
• The building would ideally have enough land to allow for some outdoor walking paths that offer full immersion in a non-built environment (i.e., away from sight of buildings and sounds of cars), but this may not be feasible, or I’m imagining a pair of centers–one in the city and its cousin in the country.

Gentle bells would be rung at regular intervals as a way of communicating time “periods” and inviting people to change their practice, but no one is required to follow them; they are just there as (truly open) invitation and information. People are free to change activities as their internal self indicates and don’t need to “wait for the bell”–this is a place of radical consent and full autonomy. This would be a trauma-informed space, where (again) autonomy and consent are critical to creating a safe space.

Full meals are available at scheduled times and people are free to join the meal, but no one is required to and nourishing snacks and other food is available at all times so that participants can best care for their bodies as they need to.

There are guides throughout the space—people wearing visible markers or buttons indicating they are familiar with the space and can serve as a guide. We would work with people with vision impairments on how they could access guide-people and other information.

The central principle tying all these together is maximal self regulation within a sensory supportive environment that allows one to focus on inner cues and experience–to cultivate embodied awareness of the present moment while attending to bodily needs. This is in contrast to what my friend calls “toddler retreats” where everything is 100% prescribed for participants who are left with no autonomy and no space to actually listen to their cues and take care of themselves. For some people, those toddler retreats activate masking karma/habits and deeply discourage self-regulation. In contrast, I want to build a center where people are encouraged to cultivate a loving and trusting relationship with their body rather than an adversarial or dominating/controlling relationship.